Some days I feel strong and brave.
Some days I feel a sense of accomplishment with each checkmark I make on my endless to do list. I move from one task to another with motivation. I feel honored to be a mother, a wife, a writer and a homeschool mom. I wouldn’t trade my role for all the money in the world. I love my life, but some days I feel like the weight of the world is crushing me.
Sometimes the stress, the pain and the emotional parts of my life take over and it’s all I can see.
My faith is solid.
My soul, however, is weak. There are no words to describe what it feels like to watch your children weaken over time. It’s truly heart breaking to watch them suffer with a disease like Duchenne.
Everyday I watch it steal abilities away from them. They rely on me and my husband to meet all of their needs. They get frustrated with their bodies and I can’t fix it. It kills me that I can’t fix it.
I trust in God’s plan for us. I truly believe suffering is a part of something beautiful. Something that we won’t understand until Heaven. I’ve surrendered my life to God, but I still struggle to surrender my pain to Him like I should. My life is bittersweet. I have happy children who love life. I have a loving husband who adores me. I have family and friends that I love. I’m so blessed, but I’m also drowning in a sea of suffering. The weight of it all feels like it’s all on my shoulders.
My boys are in a race against time for a cure, a treatment or a fate that I can’t even say aloud without collapsing to the floor. My mind races with thoughts of joy and sorrow all at once. Depression and anxiety visit me daily, and yet God never leaves me. He stays and reminds me to keep fighting.
Today the pain got the best of me.
Today I threw myself a little pity party. There were no decorations or balloons, just coffee and lots of tears. I have days like that. Days where I punch my pillow and beg for different circumstances. I scream, I cry and then I drop to my knees in prayer.
Tomorrow is another day.
Then I wipe my tears and get back up. I remind myself that tomorrow is another day, and another opportunity to choose joy.
Tomorrow I will be brave again, I tell myself. Tomorrow I will focus on one thing at a time, instead of letting it all pile up on my shoulders. I will laugh with my children, kiss my husband, and tell all my loved ones how much I love them. I will feel better tomorrow, I just need to hold on.
Today my dear friend sent me a message at the perfect time. God used her to help me more than she may have realized. She sent me this: “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” -Isaiah 40:29-31 NIV
It’s not mine to carry.
The weight of the world is heavy, but it’s not mine to carry. Even when it feels like it may crush me, it won’t, because it doesn’t belong to me. The pain, the fear and all of my brokenness belongs at the feet of my Savior. He will hold it for me. So today I will place it all in His hands and pray that tomorrow my strength will be renewed.
Tomorrow I will be strong again.